If you have ever had a friend who has gone through a “desert” experience, you quickly realize that “pious platitudes” just won’t cut it.  You learn through trial and error, how even the well meaning advise you lovingly tried to offer, felt empty and heavy, even as it left your lips.  You wish you could snatch it back, because you realized too late, that you just placed a subtle expectation on them to hurry up and get this figured out and “move past this” to something more positive.  To be perfectly honest, there are just some things you can’t explain or figure out, and there seem to be no easy answers, nor does it seem fair. Anything that there are no easy answers for, or can’t be easily explained, makes us feel uncomfortable and we really DON’T know what to say.   Which turns into the thinking that God is not fair or just, how could this be happening to such a good person.

Or maybe you have personally been in the “desert”, or are there now.  If so….then you’ve learned what a “first-timer” has not…..and that is:  it is what it is.  A process.  And in any ‘process’, you can take all the necessary steps that assure you a solid outcome; OR you can try to take shortcuts, going around an obstacle, instead of working through it, only to find yourself having to make the trip again to “get it right” this time.

At any rate, the desert is a place where you find out what you’re made of….who you really are (when no one is looking)….and what you REALLY believe (beyond lip-service).  It is a place where you get REAL with God….where you lay down empty promises….where you pick up responsibility and accountability….where you silence the other voices screaming at you, in order to hear His “Still, Small Whisper”.   And once you are able to truly hear what His Heart is for you, (in the trial you are facing), THEN AND ONLY THEN will this “process” be honest and have a successful outcome.

Having been through enough desert experiences in my 58 years on this earth,  I have learned to stop thrashing around like a drowning woman who has had her air supply cut off.  I now know right where to go to hook up my “I.V.’s”…..these will assure that I will live and not die.  I now know to immediately tie in to my “anchor”…..and although I may drift some, I will not be lost.  The pain still hurts, the tears still fall, sometimes anger or bitterness will surface and have to be dealt with, and doubts (and temptations) just take a number….waiting for their turn.

In the earlier stages of a “desert” experience, what people thought, said, or insinuated used to tear me to shreds, leaving barely recognizable remnants of me.  Some used the Bible to “beat you up”.  Hard to argue with the word, right?  But when it’s NOT from Papa’s Heart of love, it can be a cruel weapon with a judgmental edge, that once cut by it, can impede your progress because His Heart has been misrepresented by a religious interpretation, and it can become your truth. 

Then there are those who (though they may truly care) come at you with what they are calling, “tough love”.  “Swallow your pride!”…..or, “Do whatever it takes!”…..or, “God helps those who help themselves.”  This is based more on their own experience of  “pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps” with a flurry of activity,  than on quieting themselves long enough to hear and recognize what God is saying to them personally.

There are also some who deduce that you are being punished for some gross sin before a Holy God.  Does any of this sound familiar?  Yep…..Job’s friends, right?  But because of what came at me while I was in the “desert”, I learned to truly value those friends who gave me “permission”, to just BE where I was at….for as long as it might take.  They cried with me, prayed with me, held me while I sobbed, and held my arms up when I was weary.  They gave me (and God) the space we needed for Him to accomplish His purpose(s) in me.  They rejoiced with me when I shared what I gleaned as I walked out of each desert different.  Humbled.  Changed.  Clinging to Him.  Loved.  Renewed.  Grateful.  Full of hope.

The following quote says it all:

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find it is those who, instead of giving advise, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, THAT is a friend who cares.                                                                                       Henri J. M. Nouwen

This is the kind of friend I hope I am…..but am definitely striving to be……because this more closely reflects the heart of Jesus in the midst of us. <3

The following video (clickable link in purple below) was made by a brave young woman, LIZZIE [Girl Voted The Ugliest Woman on YouTube],  She made a heartfelt and inspiring video full of compassion and one that silences her accusers at the same time. Lizzie has a disease that only 3 people in the entire world have. She has faced unimaginable cruelty that no one should ever go through. She rises above her circumstances in a truly inspirational way, choosing not to believe the opinions and/or taunts of those around her.

http://www.godvine.com/Girl-Voted-The-Ugliest-Woman-on-YouTube-Makes-a-Heartfelt-Video-1464.html

This next video  is a song called Gold, by Ehija Vega (Britt Nicole, Unplugged).  In the message of this song, the world’s sub-standards are replaced with God’s  ‘Kingdom’ value system.

So……don’t ever let the standard of this world hand you a yard stick to measure your worth with.  Beauty comes from within…..and that is exactly where God looks when assigning worth or value.

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I Samuel 16:7 – But the Lord said to Samuel (when faced with the evaluations of those around him), “Do not look on his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him [the choice of the people].  For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

“These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”~ 1 Peter 1:7

I have always been a “Romantic/Realist”….some would call that an oxy-moron.  I call it balanced by the presence of His Holy Spirit in my life.

See…the little girl in me, wants to believe that there really is a “prince among men” around the corner.  One that God has been preparing….one that knows the same “Papa” as I do…..one that loves Him more than life itself, more than he loves himself, more even than he would love me…and because of that, is then capable of loving me as God originally intended. Not perfect by any means, any more than I am perfect….but one who is accountable to One greater than himself.  Ahhhhhh, my soul-mate!

In trying to come to terms with my more romantic side….I have had to press in as tightly as possible to my Papa’s Heart.  Before pressing in……my romantic side felt silly….discredited even.  The realist side to me always kept me grounded in the TRUTH…..no matter how easy or how hard it was to assimilate.  But it took me much longer to trust the romantic side of me.  Hence, I pressed into Papa’s Heart for His take on who I was at my core.

This is what He showed me.  “It is I, who have put in you the very desires of your heart.  When you are connected to Me, you can trust your romantic side.  I made you to be ALL woman.  In other words, able to be sweet, loving, nurturing, tender, jealous, strong, tough, wise, intelligent, crafty, hard working, long suffering, forgiving AND sexy.  [Sexy is not something you put on display for all men to see, but something that is between you and your beloved alone.] There are as many facets to who you are as there are facets to Who created you.  The romantic side of you, is capable of hoping for all things, believing for all things, fully engaged in fighting for what is worth holding out for, and fully able to enjoy 100% being a woman who is captivating and beautiful in ways that go beyond your outward beauty and adornments.  The realist side of you is able to face disappointments and keep going, as well as capable of being discerning and wise in your choices.  The realist side of you, keeps your head out of the clouds and your wits about you, when you are swimming with sharks.  The realist side of you also enables you to bounce back time and again, because you draw your strength from Me.”

That being said, I have learned to embrace both sides of what makes me, ME!  He has long ago given me permission to be who He created me to be, and now I have given myself permission to be who HE created me to be, with no apologies.  I have become pretty comfortable in my own skin, so to speak.

What follows in the poem I write below is an out-pouring of my more romantic side.  I have totally accepted my more romantic side…..while my realist side keeps my “flights of fancy” in check.  Now mind you, I said “in check”, not obliterated.

The following poem was written to my future soul-mate.  You are out there somewhere, I know.  I have prayed for you, and entrusted you to my Papa who knows me intimately and longs to give me the desires of my Heart, because He put them there.  He also knows you intimately, and is just as excited about giving you the desires of your heart.  I have prayed for you, longed for you, ached for you, cried for you, delighted in you…long before our eyes have beheld and hearts have touched.  You are worth holding out for……

DO YOU REALLY KNOW?

When you look deep into my eyes and see and value what others have missed…do you know how my heart leaps?

When you reach for my hand with full assurance of our tomorrows..do you know the confidence it instills?

When you speak my name as if it were a fine wine caressing your tongue…do you know I get a sense of my worth?

When you gently touch my cheek after speaking sweet words of endearment…do you know it warms me to my core?

When by your actions, you make me aware that my heart has a home in yours…do you know how SAFE that makes me feel?

When you lay your head next to my heart and just settle in…do you feel the swelling of my heart as my love enfolds you?

When I lean toward you and you draw me in with your heart as well as your embrace…do you know how undone I become?

When your lips gently touch mine in a moment of tenderness…do you sense my abandon as I lean into your kiss?

When you gently place your hand on the small of my back…do you know how absolutely protected I feel?

When you softly whisper in my ear, “I love you”…do you know there is no one I’d rather hear it from,  apart from Jesus?

When we together,  pour our hearts out to our Papa, and become transparent before Him…do you know it is His desire to give us what will delight our hearts?

So tell me, my love…..do you REALLY know the power you possess to bring out the woman of your dreams,  in me?

Do you REALLY know???

Song of Solomon 5:16b, 6:3a, 8:6-7a – This is my beloved, and this is my friend. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.  Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave; it’s flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame.  Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it.

I really love this short little video!  It is called GoD And DoG by Wendy J. Francisco.  It is cute, funny, true, childish even…….but profound in the simple truth it presents.

On this Fabulous Friday….see what you think and let me know!  I want to see if it brought a smile to your face or a tear to your eye or both.  For me….both!  Enjoy!

Oh!  BTW…..this is a pic of my sweet Tegan when she was a pup.  She is now over 2 years old and she has the same sweet face as then!  Nothing beats when she and I both curl up in Papa’s lap!

I come to you with a  few questions:

•   What does it mean to praise?
•   How do you measure it’s worth?
•   Is ALL praise noteworthy and acceptable?

According to Webster’s dictionary :  Praise – worth, price:     1. to express approval or admiration of   2. to glorify (God, etc.), as in song – N. a praising or being praised; commendation. Praise’worthy adj. – worthy of praise.

So according to Webster’s definition, to offer praise of any sort it must first be worthy, of great price.  And in expressing that praise, you are also expressing approval or admiration of this price.  And it would seem, by definition, that the object of that praise be worthy……so having proved it’s worth!

So the only way to answer my own questions,  find me compelled to line up my praise of anything, with it’s intrinsic value.  This leads me to a related issue:  that of establishing ‘worth and value’ .

If I have tried to seek out what is truly valuable, that which does NOT burn up in the fire, but instead STANDS….shining as pure gold……I find myself over and over returning to the work Jesus accomplished on the Cross of Calvary.  What was that work?  To die in place of the one(s) who deserved to…..to take upon Himself all of the guilt, shame, condemnation, accountability, and payment for justification, according to the ‘law’, of one already declared guilty, with evidence fully disclosed, to back the charges demanding  recompense of said charges.  WOW!

And who of any of us, can claim such worth as to take on the mistakes and short comings of ourselves, our loved ones, or the world around us?  NOT ONE OF US!  There is NO ONE worthy to pay this price…..save One.  JESUS….the Son of God….who IS God, who IS perfect (without any sin), who IS worthy to pay this price so that we too can be counted among the worthy!  ONLY JESUS!!!

I submit to you…..the Psalms.  Written by David.  In these collection of Psalms, written by the inspiration of the Spirit of God (Jehovah), through the hand of a ‘flawed’ man…we find out what this Holy God treasures most.  How do we begin to imagine what a holy God treasures most?  By His character, by His declarations, by His pursuit of that which He deems valuable! He declared David to be a man after His own Heart.  From my viewpoint, David had many failures, many shortcomings.  He was NOT perfect, anymore than I am perfect…..and yet, God declared him to be a “man after My Own Heart.”  I believe that God saw past the human mistakes to the heart that was quick to repent and turn back to God.  He was teachable and had a desire for more of God.  In fact, when push came to shove….David couldn’t stand the thought of living his life without God in it!

Could it be that He (God) truly does not look on the outward appearance of man, but looks on the heart?  Could it be that our interpretations of ‘worthy of praise’, are more closely lining up with the Pharisaical views of religion, instead of lining up with the very LOVE that made the payment required ONCE and for ALL?  Could it be that none of our righteousness can pay the price that is demanded for justice?  Could it be that there is ONLY ONE worthy of the kind of praise that stands alone among a sea of contenders?

Once this truth sinks into our hearts & minds; that Jesus fulfilled all the requirements of the ‘law’ by being Himself the only WORTHY payment for such transgressions that fall at the feet of mankind….then and only then do we begin to understand WORTH.  Then and only then do we begin to see VALUE.  Then and only then, do we begin to understand PRAISE.

Much like most of David’s writings in the Psalms. He honestly expressed his feelings, pain, frustrations, and short comings…..he came to the end of himself through the trials each circumstance brought….and ALWAYS re-cast himself back at God’s feet while extolling His Name, and begging Him to take anything from Him but not to remove His Spirit from his life.

I am blessed whether or not others call it blessing or not. I am in a constant ‘processing’ of the truth…..of value….of what is praise worthy.  My ‘value’ system used to line up with false paradigms which were born out of my experiences, my pain levels, and the feelings of never laying a hold of the brass ring.  After many trips around the ‘mountain’ that served to not only impede my progress but also to lie to me of my worth in His Eyes; and after many seasons of Papa captivating my heart with His truth, His love, His purpose in my life; my heart is now getting closer to lining  up with what HE treasures most, instead of with what the world treasures most.  And like King David,after honestly processing each fact, each emotion, each outcome……I also find myself crying, “Take anything from me, but please do not EVER take Your Spirit from me!!!”

So to answer my own questions:

• “What does it mean to praise?”  It means that something or someone has been deemed to be praiseworthy.  Is deserving because they don’t just speak love, but SHOW love with their actions. When there is nothing for them to gain, but they pay for something, they themselves are not guilty of.  When our eyes become opened, we cannot help but cry out in PRAISE (adoration, love returned, thankfulness, in awe of who He is, consumed with new passion, resting in His finished work, and offering ourselves back to Him).
• “How do you measure it’s worth?”  His worth, having already been established, how then do you measure the worth of the one who is praising?  They see, having had their own shortcomings clearly established, that there is no one else worthy of their praise, but to the One who has proven His worth.  When that praise escapes the lips of the unworthy, He is drawn like a magnet to the one who has humbled himself/herself before Him.  It’s worth is the sweet incense that rises to the Throne, causing Him to lean over and breathe it in.
• “Is all praise noteworthy and acceptable?”   The praises of little children in simplicity.  The praises of those who were once blind, but now they see.  The praises of thankful hearts who have experienced His touch or His deliverance.  The praises of those who have had their mourning turned to dancing.  The praises of  those who insist that no rock is going to cry out because of their silence.  The praises of the ones who have themselves gone through the fire(s) and realized He is worthy, and can offer from their lips:  the praise of adoration, the praise of exultation, the praise of submission, the praise of identification with His persecutions, the praise of His over-comings, victories & resurrection life power.

Even the praises…maybe even ESPECIALLY the praises of the ones who are kneeling in the dirt, the breath knocked out of them, their pride laid aside, their reputations gone, their hopes dashed upon the rocks with no light at the end of the tunnel…..but they  offer up the “sacrifice of praise”, when there is nothing worth boasting of in themselves.  He ALONE becomes their “boast”….and it becomes their very sustenance to boast of HIM ALONE!

The music is from Schöne Landschaften auf Musik von Deuter and is called, “Petite Fleur.”

Sometimes we all just need some music that is so beautiful it needs no words.  This is one of those times for me, as I sit here and reflect on HIS goodness.  All that is truly beautiful comes from Him, and it is so cool to me, to realize that He created it for us to enjoy.  And more than that……takes great delight in us doing just that!  Extolling Him for His Creativity that remains as matchless as all of His other attributes!

I hope you enjoy this beautifully delicate piece of music as much as I do. It has a very settling affect, and you will probably want to listen more than once.  But that’s me!  Enjoy!

Let me tell you a story that has stuck with me for many years.  In the hills of Pennsylvania where I was born….there is lots of beautiful, rolling countryside.  I was born about 20-30 miles outside of Pittsburg in a little township called Abington.  My dad was going out to do some work for one of the local farmers in the area.  The farmers wife who had lost a granddaughter,  had heard my dad mention his 3 children, a daughter (me) and two sons.  And that my mom was due with the fourth child.  (Back then, you didn’t find out what the sex of the child was…..but she was carrying my sister, Vicky.)

This farmer’s wife sorely missed her granddaughter and asked Dad to bring me with him to work one day so I could hang out with her in the house.  He did.  This is where the real story lies.  We arrived and parked on the far side of the farmer’s old pickup truck.  Upon walking around the pickup truck to greet the farmer…..we heard a very piercing and high pitched sound, that once started, never stopped.  It was a little Chihuahua running straight for us as fast as his legs would carry him.

I thought he looked fierce and mean the way his teeth were bared as he ran and barked.  “Just stand ‘yer ground and act tough…..he can smell fear!”, the farmer said.  My dad seemed convinced of the farmer’s words.  I, on the other hand, was not at all convinced and turned and ran as fast as I could to climb up on the old pickup truck out of the dogs reach.  My dad and the farmer laughed at me which kinda hurt my feelings, since I was genuinely scared half to death.  The little dog, had run past the two men and was now on the ground barking and growling up at me very ferociously because he was feeling pretty empowered that he could scare the ‘bageebers’ outta me.

The farmer’s wife ran out and shooed them off to do their work, took me into the house and then comforted me.  This dog of theirs, she explained, was only a little dog, with not much strength, and not much power…..but,  in his doggy brain he pictured himself a mighty jungle lion.  If his fiercest sounding bark and bared teeth could make someone be afraid of him……it made him act even more fierce.  He would puff out his chest, and jump on all fours at once toward whatever showed fear trying to intimidate and create even more fear.  Since I already ran away once, he would “try” me again.  He would act even more fierce.  He would get great satisfaction out of seeing me cowering in fear.  Then she told me a little “secret” that would later help me to tackle my fear of the yippy little ‘terrorist’ dog.

The nice farmer’s wife explained to me that the little dog with the BIG attitude…..ONLY had as much power as I GAVE him.  She explained further by saying that the fear that this little dog could produce in me, when I thought he would attack me and chew me up, grew bigger than me and the little dog.  And when I ran (screaming) and climbing higher to get away, it made the little dog think he was more powerful than he really was. She convinced me that the next time it happened, there were some very simple (not always so easy) steps to take that would make the dog know that I was no longer afraid.

I took the words of this kind farmer’s wife to heart and during the course of the afternoon, now knowing the TRUTH, I gathered my courage.  The little dog was ‘hanging out’ with my dad and the farmer and had long forgotten me.  When it came time to leave, I nervously stepped out the door, and off of the porch and on to the path that would take us to where my dad and the farmer were.  Halfway there, the little dog spotted me and began his intimidating ‘show’.  My heart was beating so hard I thought for sure the farmer’s wife could hear it  because she whispered to me, “You can do it!”

At first…..I froze in my tracks just looking at the dog running full speed right for me.  But then I remembered what the lady had told me, “he only has as much power as YOU GIVE HIM!”  So I put on my ‘mean’ face, balled up my fists and jumped toward the dog landing ‘squared off’ with the dog.  Then I started to run toward the dog while growling and barking at him.  Well that little dog ran away yelping!  Everyone laughed, including me!  But let me tell you…..I was the one who felt empowered now!  I was no longer intimidated nor was I afraid.  I was free!

Now, all these years later, my current set of circumstances has kinda made me feel as much fear as I did when I was an intimidated, almost 5, little girl.  Only the one doing the intimidating now….is “the father of lies”, as the Bible calls him in John 8:44.  Remembering that story has reminded me, that the power of satan is in his lie.  Likewise, the power of the believer is in knowing the truth.

So I can choose to give him power by believing his lie, or I can square off with him…armed with the truth!  Like my experience with the dog…..where my belief, not the dogs actual power….put me on top of the truck in fear….so too, can my belief in the truth, and my declaration of that truth, silence the “Intimidater” and send him fleeing.  He may be able to deceive us with his subtle lies, causing us to scamper up on top of the ‘pickup truck’, but he can do nothing to change our position in Christ, when we belong to HIM!  And that’s the TRUTH!

***John 8:32, 44 — Revelation 12:9 — I John 5:118-19 — I John 4:4-6***

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Cold and broken.

Sometimes I have to think about something a good long while before I decide what it is I actually think.  Lack of information, internal conflict, ambivalence, and apathy can all slow my processes to near gridlock.  As can my tendency to over-think things at times.

I’m sure you’re really surprised about that last one.

Or not.

Earlier this week I ran across a video that was so hauntingly beautiful that it gave me chills.  I’ve heard a lot of breathtaking renditions of this song, but I think this is one of my favorites:

I loved the song the first time I ever heard it.  That was years ago.  But I have to admit, there is a line in the song that I found disturbing, and I just couldn’t shake it.

How can a hallelujah be cold and broken?  It just sounded so…wrong.  So cynical and faithless.

The word hallelujah means “praise the Lord”.  I had always associated that phrase with joyful exclamation.  I also associated it with agreement, false humility, and a lack of knowing what else to say but still wanting to sound reasonably pious.  It was a religious phrase that was rather loaded, to be honest, and I was very weary of loaded religious phrases.

In the end I had to ask God to help me understand and to show me if a cold and broken hallelujah was an idea I should accept or reject.  And He did.  He’s really good at that revelation thing.

God loves praises of all kinds.  But I also believe that some are more precious than others, simply because they are more costly.  I can think of nothing more costly than a cold and broken hallelujah.  It is not the shout of the jubilant celebrant.  Neither is it a show of religious fervor.  It is the anguished cry of submission of a shattered soul.  It is sacrfice in the midst of gut-wrenching pain.  It’s laying it all down in the garden and saying “ok…do it Your way”.

Sometimes our cold and broken hallelujahs are a result of our own screw-ups.  It’s devastating to come face-to-face with one’s own broken humanity, realizing that your own choices have created a mess that ripples out and touches everyone and everything around you.  Other times our cold and broken hallelujahs come from living in a world that is cold and broken.   Death, betrayal, suffering of all kinds…we can either fight them, or we can offer the hallelujah that has no guarantee of peace on the front end.

I’ve known my share of both kinds.  Both shake you to the core and make you wonder if life will ever be ok again.  And sometime it isn’t.  Sometimes that cold and broken hallelujah comes out of the realization that something irrevocable just changed and that you have no choice but to find a new normal, and it takes you out behind the knees and leaves you gasping for air on the floor.  And that broken heart, that humbled spirit that has nothing left to offer but a hoarsely whispered “hallelujah” in the middle of the mess and blood and tears and the snotty nose,  is like a magnet for God.  He runs to be near.  Even if we caused our own problems, He is there instantly.  In that moment we are so incredibly beautiful to Him…and He rescues us with no regard for whether or not we deserve it.  We’re His kids.  He loves us so passionately it’s nigh scandalous.

It’s no wonder that song is achingly beautiful.

 The Golden Toilet Paper Award!

Actually, the award is for NOT blogging, but hey it’s an award and I’ll take it!

You see, I belong to this awesome group of ladies who blog. We support each other through words….when one is down, the rest jump in and give words of encouragement, when one of us is happy we all jump in with words of joy, when one of us needs some correction or direction, we all jump in and give words of hope and direction.

But, as I’ve learned the hard way, this group also holds each other accountable to remember to blog and when you don’t get around to blogging (for whatever reason) for more than a week, this group will award you with The Golden Toilet Paper Award!

I proudly post my award on my blog and will walk around all day today proudly displaying toilet paper dragging from my shoe….because it means I am loved and accepted by my group of Blogging Peeps!

However, after accepting the award and proudly displaying it on my blog, I must then pass the torch to the next deserving person. So, even though I haven’t been around enough (of late….actually, since Jan.) to know who has been a consistent blogger and who has not……It has been brought to my attention after checking the roster, that a certain “Sparkette” has gotten very busy with life. and has not shared her wit, humor and wisdom with us since September of 2011!

So, Hannah Vieira ….please accept this award with all the love, fun, acceptance and friendship that it is being offered to you…by me and the rest of your blogging peeps!   

I am alone and my only companion is a high energy, sweet natured dog named, Tegan Aylon……which means attractive, faithful one.  And she is exactly that!  She has known something is up with me…..and thinks a good rousing game of frisbee, or perhaps, “treeing a squirrel”,  will bring me back to myself again.  Alas, even with me praising her efforts, she knows it has not.

I feel as though I have nothing of VALUE to write right now.  My heart is not in ANYTHING!

To bring you up to date on this downward spiraling of my heart, mind and spirit….I returned from a mission trip to Kandaria, Kenya,  Africa at the end of November.  The mission part of it was life changing to my core.  I have yet to write about it….and it needs to be told!  So it is on my TO DO list and this one “must get checked off the list!”  However while on this trip, the realization that the direction I thought my life might “happily ever after” go…abruptly changed gears.

Then, the  day after I returned home I learned of the passing away of the 96 yr. old woman I cared for (an Alzheimer’s patient).  As I learned of her life, from family and friends, I loved who she WAS before the disease….and I grew to love and respect her immensely!  It was her time, but it was still a loss and shock.   I need to be out of the place where I have been living….been given ‘grace’ for a bit. The economy has taken a nose dive and it doesn’t look promising.  Without a job….finding a place  to live is not even in the “mix.”  I keep landing ‘near misses’ on the job force, or work that is offering hours no one else will take and if you did your health would fail trying to do it and at minimum pay, no less. My funds are depleted.  So now, without a job, and hence no insurance, I couldn’t do whatever they might even suggest for meds, even if it IS depression.

Not trying to do a ‘pity party’ here, just the facts.   (Although there are some who think me self-absorbed because I can’t, “snap-out-of-it.”)  I have appreciated the encouraging words from you, Sis – (Vicky)….and from Laurie, who knows me through the blog world and has checked on me periodically to offer encouragement and unconditional love with the promise prayers <3); but otherwise, I feel like a dingy whose rope has been cut and I am drifting out to sea.

I love God, with as much as I’ve learned so far of my mind, heart & soul.  I lovingly refer to  Him as “Papa”, and I try to press in as close as I can to Him.  He has assured me that this is not “all for naught”….and that He is working behind the scenes where no one sees…..least of all ME!  I am trusting with all that is within this “Daughter of the King’s” heart.  But I confess…I falter,  I grow weary and I lose heart, until I wonder if there is anything left to lose.  I find out very quickly…..there is always more!  The only thing I know to do is to NOT pretend I know anything, much less have any answers……

It has been said that when asking the ‘Dying’ if they had any regrets, that NOT ONE PERSON has ever said they wished they had spent more time at work, or more time in a bar, or more time watching television, or more time cleaning.  Because I have been in the position of caretaking some who were dying, I decided to ask those who were in my care, as well as nurses who were in direct contact with those who knew they were dying, if they had any regrets, and if so, what they would do differently if given another chance.  I wrote down what they said, as did the other caretakers and nurses, so that I could have a first-hand account instead of some email forward that was floating around.  And those that were ‘floating around’ usually named 5.

But because I was actually involved in caregiving and knew others who were as well…it kinda became a ‘thing’ with me for a few years.  And after summarizing everything I collected and what others (my friends – so they knew how important this was to me), this was the outcome:

1.  I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.  I missed being a part of my children’s lives and I missed my wife’s/husband’s friendship and companionship. A few said that spending so much time away from home cost them their family and they would be going to their grave with that pain as well as the loss of what could’ve been.

2.  I wish I’d have had the courage to live a life TRUE TO MYSELF, instead of living the life that others expected of me.

3.  I wish I would have had the courage to express my feelings honestly instead of thinking they didn’t matter or they weren’t popular.

4.  I wish I would’ve stayed in touch with my friends.

5.  I wish that I would’ve allowed myself to be happier, smiling more and complaining less.

6.  I wish I would’ve gotten to know God better. I’m realizing now, just HOW MUCH He’s always been there.

7.  (Women) I wish I had just let the dust sit a little longer, and gone out to play with my children when they pleaded.  (Men) I wish I had just let the phone ring, and chosen to stay home with my family more, or gone to that ballgame or that play.

8.  I wish I would’ve known NOT to sweat the small stuff.  It wasn’t all that important in the end when you are looking at the ‘big picture’.  I wouldn’t have even had to be on so much medicine.

9.  I wish I would’ve had the attitude of celebrating life instead of enduring it.

10. I wish I would’ve taken a class or two to learn some of the things I gave up when I got married and had a family.

Many times as I conducted my little personal interviews, the tears ran down my own cheeks, and I found myself creating in my mind a kind of ‘bucket list’ even though I wasn’t yet dying.  It changed some of my thinking, and some of my priorities to see these sweet people lying in their beds or forever sitting in a recliner, knowing their days were numbered.  To hear from their hearts with all pretenses and facades removed, and with the pain of their ‘realizations’ showing in their eyes…it kinda made me put myself in their place and imagine what I would be saying my regrets were.  Talk about an ‘aha’ moment!

So I leave you with this.  Life is a choice.  It is YOUR life….it is YOUR choice.  Choose consciously…choose wisely…choose honestly.  Don’t forever forget the things you’ve placed on the back burner for a more opportune time.  Choose NOW…so when your days (that are every bit as numbered as those I interviewed) are up, you will be able to smile with fewer regrets and more peace.

[Some would call you arrogant for believing and walking in this truth....I would call it walking in the Light of Him who made us.  I KNOW Whose I am......and  it's His Light that radiates from within me.]

It wasn’t even too awfully long before this that they were tree climbing, rowdy boys who NEVER stayed clean!  All I had to do was say, “Who’s up for some ball?”  That was either playing with the hoops (basketball) or throwing and kicking the football.  (My brothers taught me some pointers that served me well with my sons….bless you, Chris and Don!). Or I would say, “Let’s visit Black!”,  who was a huge black snake who had climbed our favorite climbing tree and now hung out there most of the time.

Black was a ‘lesson’ all to himself, as I home-schooled my youngest and I found myself explaining why it was good to have a black snake on your property.  (Uh….this conclusion sprang from loving nature, overcoming my own fear, and RESEARCH!)  Living in the country in the hills of TN, you learn quickly that if you don’t want copperhead meandering through your yard, you covet the presence of a black snake, who EAT copperhead as well as mice and rats. So the worth of a big black snake with a good amount of girth, was priceless!  We befriended Black by leaving little morsels in the crook of a lower branch.  (Mice we caught in a mouse trap were his favorite….bigger bugs or a collection of smaller ones, sometimes fruit…although he could be picky)  He gladly accepted our offerings and so tolerated us with great interest in what had now become HIS tree.  Ahhhh…..but we sweet talked (and fed) our way into his heart and we became friends. (SERIOUSLY!  My youngest and I even climbed within a foot of Black and just sat there talking with him for about 20 minutes before climbing higher.)

But I digress….some of the other ways to get them out doors and breathing the fresh air were: a long hike in the woods, counting how many tadpoles were in the creek behind our property, a walk to the corner store (a mile away) to get a candy bar of their choice, catching bugs (some cute and some creepy – again over coming my own fear for the sake of the ‘lesson’ – or the pure wonder of how cool God’s plan and balance in nature was), catching lightening bugs at night, throwing frisbee, splashing around like rock stars in a summer rain, building two forts (needed lots of snow) and then having a wicked snowball fight, or building a snow FAMILY and then dressing them appropriately.

One day, while trying to stir them all out of a lazy video game ‘mode’….I became a little perturbed and frustrated.  Mind you these boys had ‘skills’ and would mop the floor with any who dared to challenge those skills.  When they talked me into playing once or twice I soon realized that their motive was that they needed a good laugh.  OUCH!

You have to understand that it is a SIN to waste a really good snow, to someone born in ‘Snow Country’.  You know…..the kind of snow you have to call off work for…..and you know you are not going anywhere for days……so you might as well just settle into it and get cozy and start lining up some fun stuff to do. Anyone from PA knows this!  And if you’ve ever lived in MI, WA, MO, or IN…..you have lived and thrived in some serious snow country!

After pleading and patiently waiting til they got to the next level (and them seeing as how I wasn’t there to ‘catch’ it, and would never know WHICH level(s) they were on), I finally got fed up and decided to do something about this waste of a good snow!  I went outside with my biggest (it was huge) Tupperware Bowl, filled it full of well packed snowballs, came back inside (quite unnoticed with the intensity of the game), and proceeded to throw snowballs at all 3 of them!!!

There were protests to be sure!  “HEY….you won’t let US throw snowballs in the house!  NOT FAIR!”  To which I calmly replied, “Well I’M the MOM….and I can do whatever is needed, to bring a much needed REALITY CHECK here!  You either suit up and join me in a snowball fight AND building a snow family (fully clothed!) or you have to sit there (since I’m the MOM) and let me throw more snowballs at you until I get this out of my system!!!”

Well…..let me say…..it worked!  No one was expecting me to break my own rules….nor were they expecting me to ‘trump’ them with the MOM card…not to mention throwing an adult temper-tantrum!  We had a wonderful snowball fight after that!  And the best looking snow FAMILY in town!  I also have to say that they whipped me good….I was wet to my undies…..but it was SO WORTH IT!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!