And THIS is love…….

When our hearts are aching….and we feel His presence is distant…..not to mention His Love…..the last thing we need to hear is, “You must have more passion for God!” or, “You have to love God more!”  Most times, we have already tried our best to love God  more only to feel that we have failed miserably as we try to claw our way out of a slippery-sloped pit. 

“So….” you ask, “what is the answer?”  It is simply this……STOP SPINNING YOUR WHEELS TRYING…..and just let HIM love you instead!!!  (And don’t think that I am not saying this to myself as well!) This is one of the hardest things for mankind in general to do.  CEASE our own efforts and just be still.  To draw near to God, and cease trying, cease talking, cease making excuses, cease trying to earn our way to HIM, cease blaming Him even. 

The Bible defines love in this way; “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation (merciful payment on our behalf that appeases the wrath of God against sin) for our sins.”  (I John 4:10)  But the real emphasis here is that He loved us BEFORE we ever thought to love Him.  And loved us enough to make the extreme sacrifice of giving Himself as payment for our sins, because He was not willing to live without us!  Again, the Bible says that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  (Romans 5:8)  That’s how much He loves us!  Such love!!!

SERIOUSLY……God loves you with all that He is and with all that He has!  This statement will evoke in you one of two responses:    1.  You KNOW it to be true, because He has revealed His love to you in many ways……and you’re thankful for the reminder.  2. You feel angry, frustrated, hopeless, not very loved.

If what has been evoked in your heart, mind & emotions is the second statement: you feel angry, frustrated, without hope and not very loved…..then please let me speak over you from His Heart of Hearts.  God has seen you trying your best to love Him!  And because He loves you, He wants you to sit down and be still, and LET HIM LOVE YOU INSTEAD!  He wants to love you with all that He is and all that He has.  You don’t have to do a thing, but LET HIM.  Ask Him to run to you, and then just be still in His presence, and allow His love to cover you like a warm blanket on a cold day.  Allow His love to trickle down over you, and into the deepest places of disappointment and pain.  Into the places of your heart where you have lived in a love deficit, making you want to give up.  His love for you is unconditional regardless of who you are or what you have done, because His Love is not dependent on YOU, but on HIM…..and He will NEVER stop loving you!  

Don’t worry about loving Him!  The more of His love you receive, the more you will fall in love with Him!  Go now…..find some place quiet, away from all the chaos, away from all the distractions, away from other things that are fighting  for your attention, and call out the name of JESUS!!!  Tell Him that you need His love to wash over you, and then just wait on Him to come (yes, this means doing nothing but patiently waiting and doing nothing except calling on Jesus….out loud or in your heart), and listen while His Heart of love rises up within you.  Let His Love overwhelm you…..it will change you…..and I promise you, you will run back for MORE!!!

Isaiah 49:15,16 – “Can a woman forget her nursing child, and not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, YET I will not forget you.  See, I have inscribed you on the palm of My Hands; your walls are continually before Me.”

What If?

I write this after an especially hard day.  I am bone weary.  I realize that if I don’t get some of the stress off of me before closing my eyes, the rest I so desperately need will elude me.  And not only will rest elude me, but stress will have an accumulative effect on my body and rob me of health; of balance.

So I quiet myself before One who is greater….and I listen.  As my mind stops spinning it’s wheels….as my tense muscles relax a little…as I resist the “enemy of my soul”….and simply listen, instead of doing all the talking…..I hear from His Heart.  A favorite Psalm (46:10a)  rises up in my spirit….”Be still, and know that I am God…”  My “what if?”, starts to slowly morph into God’s “WHAT IF?”

Then I start to sing this song that has changed my perspective….causing desert mirages to dissipate while something more solid and real takes it’s place….and I gently and freely enter into His Rest.

And so….I wake this morning….RESTED!  I feel invigorated.  I don’t have the driving need to have everything figured out.  I move without being paralyzed.  Thank you, Papa!

A simple yet profound truth lies in the words of this song.  I hope you enjoy it!

The Silent, Supportive Friend

A “desert” experience is not one of the most enjoyable of experiences. It is, in fact, wrought with sweat, tears, aches and pains, low energy level, exhaustion, diminished sight, blisters, burnt skin, dry lips, dragging feet, parched throat, dirt and sand clinging, extreme thirst, hunger, a few scary looking threats to our well being, and lots of mirages that make you second guess what you think you see.

If you have ever had a friend who has gone through a “desert” experience, you quickly realize that “pious platitudes” just won’t cut it.  You learn through trial and error, how even the well meaning advise you lovingly tried to offer, felt empty and heavy, even as it left your lips.  You wish you could snatch it back, because you realized too late, that you just placed a subtle expectation on them to hurry up and get this figured out and “move past this” to something more positive.  To be perfectly honest, there are just some things you can’t explain or figure out, and there seem to be no easy answers, nor does it seem fair. Anything that there are no easy answers for, or can’t be easily explained, makes us feel uncomfortable and we really DON’T know what to say.   Which turns into the thinking that God is not fair or just, how could this be happening to such a good person.

Or maybe you have personally been in the “desert”, or are there now.  If so….then you’ve learned what a “first-timer” has not…..and that is:  it is what it is.  A process.  And in any ‘process’, you can take all the necessary steps that assure you a solid outcome; OR you can try to take shortcuts, going around an obstacle, instead of working through it, only to find yourself having to make the trip again to “get it right” this time.

At any rate, the desert is a place where you find out what you’re made of….who you really are (when no one is looking)….and what you REALLY believe (beyond lip-service).  It is a place where you get REAL with God….where you lay down empty promises….where you pick up responsibility and accountability….where you silence the other voices screaming at you, in order to hear His “Still, Small Whisper”.   And once you are able to truly hear what His Heart is for you, (in the trial you are facing), THEN AND ONLY THEN will this “process” be honest and have a successful outcome.

Having been through enough desert experiences in my 58 years on this earth,  I have learned to stop thrashing around like a drowning woman who has had her air supply cut off.  I now know right where to go to hook up my “I.V.’s”…..these will assure that I will live and not die.  I now know to immediately tie in to my “anchor”…..and although I may drift some, I will not be lost.  The pain still hurts, the tears still fall, sometimes anger or bitterness will surface and have to be dealt with, and doubts (and temptations) just take a number….waiting for their turn.

In the earlier stages of a “desert” experience, what people thought, said, or insinuated used to tear me to shreds, leaving barely recognizable remnants of me.  Some used the Bible to “beat you up”.  Hard to argue with the word, right?  But when it’s NOT from Papa’s Heart of love, it can be a cruel weapon with a judgmental edge, that once cut by it, can impede your progress because His Heart has been misrepresented by a religious interpretation, and it can become your truth. 

Then there are those who (though they may truly care) come at you with what they are calling, “tough love”.  “Swallow your pride!”…..or, “Do whatever it takes!”…..or, “God helps those who help themselves.”  This is based more on their own experience of  “pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps” with a flurry of activity,  than on quieting themselves long enough to hear and recognize what God is saying to them personally.

There are also some who deduce that you are being punished for some gross sin before a Holy God.  Does any of this sound familiar?  Yep…..Job’s friends, right?  But because of what came at me while I was in the “desert”, I learned to truly value those friends who gave me “permission”, to just BE where I was at….for as long as it might take.  They cried with me, prayed with me, held me while I sobbed, and held my arms up when I was weary.  They gave me (and God) the space we needed for Him to accomplish His purpose(s) in me.  They rejoiced with me when I shared what I gleaned as I walked out of each desert different.  Humbled.  Changed.  Clinging to Him.  Loved.  Renewed.  Grateful.  Full of hope.

The following quote says it all:

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find it is those who, instead of giving advise, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, THAT is a friend who cares.                                                                                       Henri J. M. Nouwen

This is the kind of friend I hope I am…..but am definitely striving to be……because this more closely reflects the heart of Jesus in the midst of us. ❤

Worth More Than Gold

In my attempt to find my own identity and worth APART from the standards of this world…..I have had to wade through a mountain of crappy, false paradigms to end up with what is real, what trumpets the TRUTH, what loudly echoes His Heart for me, and for what in the end affirms and confirms His Song over me.

The following video (clickable link in purple below) was made by a brave young woman, LIZZIE [Girl Voted The Ugliest Woman on YouTube],  She made a heartfelt and inspiring video full of compassion and one that silences her accusers at the same time. Lizzie has a disease that only 3 people in the entire world have. She has faced unimaginable cruelty that no one should ever go through. She rises above her circumstances in a truly inspirational way, choosing not to believe the opinions and/or taunts of those around her.

http://www.godvine.com/Girl-Voted-The-Ugliest-Woman-on-YouTube-Makes-a-Heartfelt-Video-1464.html

This next video  is a song called Gold, by Ehija Vega (Britt Nicole, Unplugged).  In the message of this song, the world’s sub-standards are replaced with God’s  ‘Kingdom’ value system.

So……don’t ever let the standard of this world hand you a yard stick to measure your worth with.  Beauty comes from within…..and that is exactly where God looks when assigning worth or value.

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I Samuel 16:7 – But the Lord said to Samuel (when faced with the evaluations of those around him), “Do not look on his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him [the choice of the people].  For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

“These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”~ 1 Peter 1:7

Do You REALLY Know?

I have always been a “Romantic/Realist”….some would call that an oxy-moron.  I call it balanced by the presence of His Holy Spirit in my life.

See…the little girl in me, wants to believe that there really is a “prince among men” around the corner.  One that God has been preparing….one that knows the same “Papa” as I do…..one that loves Him more than life itself, more than he loves himself, more even than he would love me…and because of that, is then capable of loving me as God originally intended. Not perfect by any means, any more than I am perfect….but one who is accountable to One greater than himself.  Ahhhhhh, my soul-mate!

In trying to come to terms with my more romantic side….I have had to press in as tightly as possible to my Papa’s Heart.  Before pressing in……my romantic side felt silly….discredited even.  The realist side to me always kept me grounded in the TRUTH…..no matter how easy or how hard it was to assimilate.  But it took me much longer to trust the romantic side of me.  Hence, I pressed into Papa’s Heart for His take on who I was at my core.

This is what He showed me.  “It is I, who have put in you the very desires of your heart.  When you are connected to Me, you can trust your romantic side.  I made you to be ALL woman.  In other words, able to be sweet, loving, nurturing, tender, jealous, strong, tough, wise, intelligent, crafty, hard working, long suffering, forgiving AND sexy.  [Sexy is not something you put on display for all men to see, but something that is between you and your beloved alone.] There are as many facets to who you are as there are facets to Who created you. ”

“The romantic side of you, is capable of hoping for all things, believing for all things, fully engaged in fighting for what is worth holding out for, and fully able to enjoy 100% being a woman who is captivating and beautiful in ways that go beyond your outward beauty and adornments.  The realist side of you is able to face disappointments and keep going, as well as capable of being discerning and wise in your choices.  The realist side of you, keeps your head out of the clouds and your wits about you, when you are swimming with sharks.  The realist side of you also enables you to bounce back time and again, because you draw your strength from Me.”

That being said, I have learned to embrace both sides of what makes me, ME!  He has long ago given me permission to be who He created me to be, and now I have given myself permission to be who HE created me to be, with no apologies.  I have become pretty comfortable in my own skin, so to speak.

What follows in the poem I write below is an out-pouring of my more romantic side.  I have totally accepted my more romantic side…..while my realist side keeps my “flights of fancy” in check.  Now mind you, I said “in check”, not obliterated.

The following poem was written to my future soul-mate.  You are out there somewhere, I know.  I have prayed for you, and entrusted you to my Papa who knows me intimately and longs to give me the desires of my Heart, because He put them there.  He also knows you intimately, and is just as excited about giving you the desires of your heart.  I have prayed for you, longed for you, ached for you, cried for you, delighted in you…long before our eyes have beheld and hearts have touched.  You are worth holding out for……

DO YOU REALLY KNOW?

When you look deep into my eyes and see and value what others have missed…do you know how my heart leaps?

When you reach for my hand with full assurance of our tomorrows..do you know the confidence it instills?

When you speak my name as if it were a fine wine caressing your tongue…do you know I get a sense of my worth?

When you gently touch my cheek after speaking sweet words of endearment…do you know it warms me to my core?

When by your actions, you make me aware that my heart has a home in yours…do you know how SAFE that makes me feel?

When you lay your head next to my heart and just settle in…do you feel the swelling of my heart as my love enfolds you?

When I lean toward you and you draw me in with your heart as well as your embrace…do you know how undone I become?

When your lips gently touch mine in a moment of tenderness…do you sense my abandon as I lean into your kiss?

When you gently place your hand on the small of my back…do you know how absolutely protected I feel?

When you softly whisper in my ear, “I love you”…do you know there is no one I’d rather hear it from,  apart from Jesus?

When we together,  pour our hearts out to our Papa, and become transparent before Him…do you know it is His desire to give us what will delight our hearts?

So tell me, my love…..do you REALLY know the power you possess to bring out the woman of your dreams,  in me?

Do you REALLY know???

Song of Solomon 5:16b, 6:3a, 8:6-7a – This is my beloved, and this is my friend. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.  Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave; it’s flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame.  Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it.

The Intimidater….

Let me tell you a story that has stuck with me for many years.  In the hills of Pennsylvania where I was born….there is lots of beautiful, rolling countryside.  I was born about 20-30 miles outside of Pittsburg in a little township called Abington.  My dad was going out to do some work for one of the local farmers in the area.  The farmers wife who had lost a granddaughter,  had heard my dad mention his 3 children, a daughter (me) and two sons.  And that my mom was due with the fourth child.  (Back then, you didn’t find out what the sex of the child was…..but she was carrying my sister, Vicky.) 🙂

This farmer’s wife sorely missed her granddaughter and asked Dad to bring me with him to work one day so I could hang out with her in the house.  He did.  This is where the real story lies.  We arrived and parked on the far side of the farmer’s old pickup truck.  Upon walking around the pickup truck to greet the farmer…..we heard a very piercing and high pitched sound, that once started, never stopped.  It was a little Chihuahua running straight for us as fast as his legs would carry him.

I thought he looked fierce and mean the way his teeth were bared as he ran and barked.  “Just stand ‘yer ground and act tough…..he can smell fear!”, the farmer said.  My dad seemed convinced of the farmer’s words.  I, on the other hand, was not at all convinced and turned and ran as fast as I could to climb up on the old pickup truck out of the dogs reach.  My dad and the farmer laughed at me which kinda hurt my feelings, since I was genuinely scared half to death.  The little dog, had run past the two men and was now on the ground barking and growling up at me very ferociously because he was feeling pretty empowered that he could scare the ‘bageebers’ outta me.

The farmer’s wife ran out and shooed them off to do their work, took me into the house and then comforted me.  This dog of theirs, she explained, was only a little dog, with not much strength, and not much power…..but,  in his doggy brain he pictured himself a mighty jungle lion.  If his fiercest sounding bark and bared teeth could make someone be afraid of him……it made him act even more fierce.  He would puff out his chest, and jump on all fours at once toward whatever showed fear trying to intimidate and create even more fear.  Since I already ran away once, he would “try” me again.  He would act even more fierce.  He would get great satisfaction out of seeing me cowering in fear.  Then she told me a little “secret” that would later help me to tackle my fear of the yippy little ‘terrorist’ dog.

The nice farmer’s wife explained to me that the little dog with the BIG attitude…..ONLY had as much power as I GAVE him.  She explained further by saying that the fear that this little dog could produce in me, when I thought he would attack me and chew me up, grew bigger than me and the little dog.  And when I ran (screaming) and climbing higher to get away, it made the little dog think he was more powerful than he really was. She convinced me that the next time it happened, there were some very simple (not always so easy) steps to take that would make the dog know that I was no longer afraid.

I took the words of this kind farmer’s wife to heart and during the course of the afternoon, now knowing the TRUTH, I gathered my courage.  The little dog was ‘hanging out’ with my dad and the farmer and had long forgotten me.  When it came time to leave, I nervously stepped out the door, and off of the porch and on to the path that would take us to where my dad and the farmer were.  Halfway there, the little dog spotted me and began his intimidating ‘show’.  My heart was beating so hard I thought for sure the farmer’s wife could hear it  because she whispered to me, “You can do it!”

At first…..I froze in my tracks just looking at the dog running full speed right for me.  But then I remembered what the lady had told me, “he only has as much power as YOU GIVE HIM!”  So I put on my ‘mean’ face, balled up my fists and jumped toward the dog landing ‘squared off’ with the dog.  Then I started to run toward the dog while growling and barking at him.  Well that little dog ran away yelping!  Everyone laughed, including me!  But let me tell you…..I was the one who felt empowered now!  I was no longer intimidated nor was I afraid.  I was free!

Now, all these years later, my current set of circumstances has kinda made me feel as much fear as I did when I was an intimidated, almost 5, little girl.  Only the one doing the intimidating now….is “the father of lies”, as the Bible calls him in John 8:44.  Remembering that story has reminded me, that the power of satan is in his lie.  Likewise, the power of the believer is in knowing the truth.

So I can choose to give him power by believing his lie, or I can square off with him…armed with the truth!  Like my experience with the dog…..where my belief, not the dogs actual power….put me on top of the truck in fear….so too, can my belief in the truth, and my declaration of that truth, silence the “Intimidater” and send him fleeing.  He may be able to deceive us with his subtle lies, causing us to scamper up on top of the ‘pickup truck’, but he can do nothing to change our position in Christ, when we belong to HIM!  And that’s the TRUTH!

***John 8:32, 44 — Revelation 12:9 — I John 5:118-19 — I John 4:4-6***

Cold and broken

The following was a post from my bloggy friend, Lisa Tuttle, and I loved it so much that I had to share it on my blog.  So accurately describes a process that King David went through countless times in his life in his walk with the Lord.  Also accurately describes what I have felt in that moment of feeling cold, broken and the breath knocked out of me….but in the end setting your face toward God and uttering that hoarse, raspy “Hallelujah”, though it took what strength was left in you to do so.  Thank you, Lisa for this deeply stirring, well written post and for letting me ‘borrow it’.

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Cold and broken.

tags: Leonard Cohen Hallelujah, Michael Henry, Justin Robinette, pain, suffering, cold and broken hallelujah

Sometimes I have to think about something a good long while before I decide what it is I actually think.  Lack of information, internal conflict, ambivalence, and apathy can all slow my processes to near gridlock.  As can my tendency to over-think things at times.

I’m sure you’re really surprised about that last one.

Or not.

Earlier this week I ran across a video that was so hauntingly beautiful that it gave me chills.  I’ve heard a lot of breathtaking renditions of this song, but I think this is one of my favorites:

I loved the song the first time I ever heard it.  That was years ago.  But I have to admit, there is a line in the song that I found disturbing, and I just couldn’t shake it.

How can a hallelujah be cold and broken?  It just sounded so…wrong.  So cynical and faithless.

The word hallelujah means “praise the Lord”.  I had always associated that phrase with joyful exclamation.  I also associated it with agreement, false humility, and a lack of knowing what else to say but still wanting to sound reasonably pious.  It was a religious phrase that was rather loaded, to be honest, and I was very weary of loaded religious phrases.

In the end I had to ask God to help me understand and to show me if a cold and broken hallelujah was an idea I should accept or reject.  And He did.  He’s really good at that revelation thing.

God loves praises of all kinds.  But I also believe that some are more precious than others, simply because they are more costly.  I can think of nothing more costly than a cold and broken hallelujah.  It is not the shout of the jubilant celebrant.  Neither is it a show of religious fervor.  It is the anguished cry of submission of a shattered soul.  It is sacrfice in the midst of gut-wrenching pain.  It’s laying it all down in the garden and saying “ok…do it Your way”.

Sometimes our cold and broken hallelujahs are a result of our own screw-ups.  It’s devastating to come face-to-face with one’s own broken humanity, realizing that your own choices have created a mess that ripples out and touches everyone and everything around you.  Other times our cold and broken hallelujahs come from living in a world that is cold and broken.   Death, betrayal, suffering of all kinds…we can either fight them, or we can offer the hallelujah that has no guarantee of peace on the front end.

I’ve known my share of both kinds.  Both shake you to the core and make you wonder if life will ever be ok again.  And sometime it isn’t.  Sometimes that cold and broken hallelujah comes out of the realization that something irrevocable just changed and that you have no choice but to find a new normal, and it takes you out behind the knees and leaves you gasping for air on the floor.  And that broken heart, that humbled spirit that has nothing left to offer but a hoarsely whispered “hallelujah” in the middle of the mess and blood and tears and the snotty nose,  is like a magnet for God.  He runs to be near.  Even if we caused our own problems, He is there instantly.  In that moment we are so incredibly beautiful to Him…and He rescues us with no regard for whether or not we deserve it.  We’re His kids.  He loves us so passionately it’s nigh scandalous.

It’s no wonder that song is achingly beautiful.

The Golden Toilet Paper Award goes to…..

Yea!!! ! I’ve been given my first Golden Award for Blogging! 

 The Golden Toilet Paper Award!

Actually, the award is for NOT blogging, but hey it’s an award and I’ll take it! 🙂

You see, I belong to this awesome group of ladies who blog. We support each other through words….when one is down, the rest jump in and give words of encouragement, when one of us is happy we all jump in with words of joy, when one of us needs some correction or direction, we all jump in and give words of hope and direction.

But, as I’ve learned the hard way, this group also holds each other accountable to remember to blog and when you don’t get around to blogging (for whatever reason) for more than a week, this group will award you with The Golden Toilet Paper Award!

I proudly post my award on my blog and will walk around all day today proudly displaying toilet paper dragging from my shoe….because it means I am loved and accepted by my group of Blogging Peeps!

However, after accepting the award and proudly displaying it on my blog, I must then pass the torch to the next deserving person. So, even though I haven’t been around enough (of late….actually, since Jan.) to know who has been a consistent blogger and who has not……It has been brought to my attention after checking the roster, that a certain “Sparkette” has gotten very busy with life. and has not shared her wit, humor and wisdom with us since September of 2011!

So, Hannah Vieira ….please accept this award with all the love, fun, acceptance and friendship that it is being offered to you…by me and the rest of your blogging peeps!  🙂 

Clawing My Way Out of the Pit I Find Myself In

I will make an attempt to blog again and re-join the group.  Maybe someone knows of a way to ‘break through’…..but I feel paralyzed, and every time I make an attempt (at writing about it)…..I back up about 10 steps, frozen.  Seems to be more than “writer’s block”…..maybe it could be labeled a ‘depression’ of sorts?

I am alone and my only companion is a high energy, sweet natured dog named, Tegan Aylon……which means attractive, faithful one.  And she is exactly that!  She has known something is up with me…..and thinks a good rousing game of frisbee, or perhaps, “treeing a squirrel”,  will bring me back to myself again.  Alas, even with me praising her efforts, she knows it has not.

I feel as though I have nothing of VALUE to write right now.  My heart is not in ANYTHING!

To bring you up to date on this downward spiraling of my heart, mind and spirit….I returned from a mission trip to Kandaria, Kenya,  Africa at the end of November.  The mission part of it was life changing to my core.  I have yet to write about it….and it needs to be told!  So it is on my TO DO list and this one “must get checked off the list!”  However while on this trip, the realization that the direction I thought my life might “happily ever after” go…abruptly changed gears.

Then, the  day after I returned home I learned of the passing away of the 96 yr. old woman I cared for (an Alzheimer’s patient).  As I learned of her life, from family and friends, I loved who she WAS before the disease….and I grew to love and respect her immensely!  It was her time, but it was still a loss and shock.   I need to be out of the place where I have been living….been given ‘grace’ for a bit. The economy has taken a nose dive and it doesn’t look promising.  Without a job….finding a place  to live is not even in the “mix.”  I keep landing ‘near misses’ on the job force, or work that is offering hours no one else will take and if you did your health would fail trying to do it and at minimum pay, no less. My funds are depleted.  So now, without a job, and hence no insurance, I couldn’t do whatever they might even suggest for meds, even if it IS depression.

Not trying to do a ‘pity party’ here, just the facts.   (Although there are some who think me self-absorbed because I can’t, “snap-out-of-it.”)  I have appreciated the encouraging words from you, Sis – (Vicky)….and from Laurie, who knows me through the blog world and has checked on me periodically to offer encouragement and unconditional love with the promise prayers <3); but otherwise, I feel like a dingy whose rope has been cut and I am drifting out to sea.

I love God, with as much as I’ve learned so far of my mind, heart & soul.  I lovingly refer to  Him as “Papa”, and I try to press in as close as I can to Him.  He has assured me that this is not “all for naught”….and that He is working behind the scenes where no one sees…..least of all ME!  I am trusting with all that is within this “Daughter of the King’s” heart.  But I confess…I falter,  I grow weary and I lose heart, until I wonder if there is anything left to lose.  I find out very quickly…..there is always more!  The only thing I know to do is to NOT pretend I know anything, much less have any answers……

Lately, every effort feels like I have lead feet…..every attempt met with failure…..every cry sent to Papa, met with, “Trust Me…..I am doing something you cannot see……but it will be worth the wait!” And NO answers pending. I cry more than I laugh right now. So to say that much …is to feel stripped naked before you all!

I want to keep this light and fluffy, and it just won’t stay there as the tears stream down my face…..even as I type. And of course, there are lots of things I have just chosen to leave out for the sake of space.  I feel as though I am at the edge of a precipice, and the fear of falling into a bottom-less pit has never felt so strong! So……you will just all have to agree to get ‘crap’ splashed on you, for the writing of this blog will be real, stark, honest and from a person in so much pain that there seems to be a constant lump in my throat as I am fighting to LIVE and NOT DIE!!!

This is the kind of thing that most of us AVOID writing about…..we don’t just walk away, we RUN away!  Who wants to read a depressing pile of something that makes you feel like you just got slimed?  How do you talk to or encourage a person…who is beyond “pious platitudes?”  That is not a judgement of the one desperately wanting to say something of worth that will captivate a heart that is paralyzed.  No, it is just where any of us can get when we’ve heard it all, maybe even said it all…..and no one has an answer.  It’s a waiting game, and everyone is watching to see what you will do next.  “Where is your faith?”….”Has God REALLY said?”….”You must’ve done something wrong…”

But alas, this is where I am.  I have walked with God for so many years that they (the years) feel a blur. To pinpoint when it really began is to try to narrow down where His draw on my heart turned into a casting of myself onto His Love and Mercy.  It feels like it has always been!  And yet, here I am paralyzed….frozen at the edge of a precipice that looks as daunting as if I were a baby screaming for it’s mother…..with no one to hear the sound.

Do you maybe see why it has been hard to grapple with all of this, and to write even one intelligible sentence and it be REAL and not plastic?

I don’t know where this will end…..but this I DO know…..HE has been the lifter of my head!  And no matter what my circumstances or emotions try to convince me of….I am not forsaken!  I am the “Apple of His Eye!”  I sense I am in the 11th hour of this shadowy maze…..so it’s not over……quite intense even……yet coming to a close.  This is where His Name, His Kingdom purposes, His Love will be written (as if engraved in stone), on my heart! It will be in a way that will comfort, surprise and delight, and make even stronger the roots of an old Oak Tree that has stood the ‘tests’ of time….anchored to THE ROCK!

Brave words for someone who is paralyzed at the rock’s edge?  Maybe…..but if you knew how I was quivering you wouldn’t think me brave…..and yet those words force their way up and out until they are heard!  Maybe…..I was the one who was supposed to hear them.

Top 10 Regrets of the Dying

It has been said that when asking the ‘Dying’ if they had any regrets, that NOT ONE PERSON has ever said they wished they had spent more time at work, or more time in a bar, or more time watching television, or more time cleaning.  Because I have been in the position of caretaking some who were dying, I decided to ask those who were in my care, as well as nurses who were in direct contact with those who knew they were dying, if they had any regrets, and if so, what they would do differently if given another chance.  I wrote down what they said, as did the other caretakers and nurses, so that I could have a first-hand account instead of some email forward that was floating around.  And those that were ‘floating around’ usually named 5.

But because I was actually involved in caregiving and knew others who were as well…it kinda became a ‘thing’ with me for a few years.  And after summarizing everything I collected and what others (my friends – so they knew how important this was to me), this was the outcome:

1.  I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.  I missed being a part of my children’s lives and I missed my wife’s/husband’s friendship and companionship. A few said that spending so much time away from home cost them their family and they would be going to their grave with that pain as well as the loss of what could’ve been.

2.  I wish I’d have had the courage to live a life TRUE TO MYSELF, instead of living the life that others expected of me.

3.  I wish I would have had the courage to express my feelings honestly instead of thinking they didn’t matter or they weren’t popular.

4.  I wish I would’ve stayed in touch with my friends.

5.  I wish that I would’ve allowed myself to be happier, smiling more and complaining less.

6.  I wish I would’ve gotten to know God better. I’m realizing now, just HOW MUCH He’s always been there.

7.  (Women) I wish I had just let the dust sit a little longer, and gone out to play with my children when they pleaded.  (Men) I wish I had just let the phone ring, and chosen to stay home with my family more, or gone to that ballgame or that play.

8.  I wish I would’ve known NOT to sweat the small stuff.  It wasn’t all that important in the end when you are looking at the ‘big picture’.  I wouldn’t have even had to be on so much medicine.

9.  I wish I would’ve had the attitude of celebrating life instead of enduring it.

10. I wish I would’ve taken a class or two to learn some of the things I gave up when I got married and had a family.

Many times as I conducted my little personal interviews, the tears ran down my own cheeks, and I found myself creating in my mind a kind of ‘bucket list’ even though I wasn’t yet dying.  It changed some of my thinking, and some of my priorities to see these sweet people lying in their beds or forever sitting in a recliner, knowing their days were numbered.  To hear from their hearts with all pretenses and facades removed, and with the pain of their ‘realizations’ showing in their eyes…it kinda made me put myself in their place and imagine what I would be saying my regrets were.  Talk about an ‘aha’ moment!

So I leave you with this.  Life is a choice.  It is YOUR life….it is YOUR choice.  Choose consciously…choose wisely…choose honestly.  Don’t forever forget the things you’ve placed on the back burner for a more opportune time.  Choose NOW…so when your days (that are every bit as numbered as those I interviewed) are up, you will be able to smile with fewer regrets and more peace.